I have PROOF. After years of saying something is going on with the adventurers in this town, I finally have PROOF.
My source? Morton. The Salt Maker over in Maplewood Proper. You know Morton. Everyone knows Morton. Salt doesn’t lie, and neither does Morton.
Morton was in attendance at the Druid’s Grove last month, where Maplewood’s very own Head of Tourism Michael and Curator of Artifacts Liska were married. Beautiful ceremony, lovely dress, very nice, not the point.
The point is that the bride looked EXACTLY like Evilynn. The groom looked EXACTLY like Evilynn’s husband. And the officiant? Looked EXACTLY like a man who is currently STUCK IN THE LEYLINES and could not have been there. Morton saw it with their own eyes. Morton’s eyes are very reliable. They spot impurities in salt that no one else can see.
No faekin. Not a single one. Lots of colored hair, but no matching eyes. You want me to believe that a Maplewood gathering had ZERO faekin in attendance? We have at least a DOZEN faekin adventurers in this town. Not to mention the lack of elves. Not a single pointy ear in the crowd. No war paint. No magic swords. These people looked right but the DETAILS were wrong and Morton, who has never once been wrong about salt, noticed. They noticed that with the adventurers gone, the townsfolk can FINALLY BE SEEN.
So what does this mean? It means the adventurers are DOPPELGANGERS of our townsfolk. Something comes to this town, studies our people, and then produces CHEAP KNOCK-OFFS of hard-working individuals! Off-brand versions! Counterfeits! Evilynn and her husband got Michael and Liska ALMOST right but forgot that Michael NEVER WEARS ARMOR and Liska wears her hair IN A BRAID NOT AN UPDO.
What else are the doppels getting wrong? I’ve been asking around. Doing my own investigation, unlike SOME journalists in this town. I won’t name names. Here is what I have found:
I have never once seen an adventurer stub their toe. Not once, in years of observation, has one ever done it. Normal people stub their toes ALL THE TIME. I stubbed mine this morning. It hurt a lot. I had to apply Barnes Apothecary All-Natural Foot & Suffering Salve to relieve the pain. These so-called adventurers are walking around in the dark, in dungeons, in FORESTS, and not one of them has ever hopped around holding their foot or bought a tube of the salve.
That is not human behavior. I don’t know what kind of behavior it is, but I intend to find out.
But whatever YOU do, do NOT give the adventurers Barnes Apothecary Organic Pink See Salt. It is sourced ethically, ground fine, all natural, no impurities. Sprinkle a little into your eyes and you will SEE THROUGH THE DOPPEL DISGUISES. But if you give it to them, they will BEGIN STUBBING THEIR TOES and then we’ll lose our only way of telling them apart.
Morton checked it for impurities and said there was none. Morton doesn’t lie, and neither does salt.
Congratulations to Michael and Liska, whoever they actually are.
[Editor’s Note: Do not put salt in your eyes. We are not liable for any eye related incidents resulting from Battle Tidings product recommendations. This has been added to our subscription terms. -P. Marianus]