This press can confirm that the crown of Wraith Lord Umbrex, contender in the undead power vacuum, is no longer in circulation. It was burned in a bakery oven last month by a local medium.
We will get to that.
The circumstances surrounding the crown’s arrival in Maplewood are as follows:
In the weeks prior to Pandora’s assault on the Freelands, her representatives were present in town conducting “diplomatic negotiations”. The town was asked, plainly, to declare a side: Pandora or Umbrex. The mediums in the town chose neither. Pandora attacked the town and proceeded to absolutely KICK OUR SHIT IN. By some stroke of luck, we were able to repel her forces. She sent a representative to conduct more negotiations. The mediums, and by mediums we mean Lynn, told her “Respectfully, no”.
Pandora’s response was to send Umbrex’s crown in a box in the middle of the Jenny’s dinner rush. This was not a gift or a peace offering. Pandora, fresh off an assault that cost her an army and her phylactery, took the time to send a trophy. She is alive, she is apparently organized enough to arrange courier service, and she wants us to know that Umbrex is dead.
This reporter would like to draw the readership’s attention to something that I find deeply interesting and not at all coincidental: Special Investigative Press reported just last month that Umbrex was conspicuously absent during Pandora’s assault on Maplewood.
Conspicuously. Absent.
A Wraith Lord with an active alliance offer on the table, and he was nowhere to be found. Was he absent because Pandora had already dealt with him? Or was he absent because he was waiting to see who won? And if Pandora killed him, when? Before the assault? During?
I have questions. I have many questions. I have a bunch of papers hung up on the walls of my office linked together with red yarn.
What I also have, regrettably, is a sister.
In the interest of full disclosure, the medium who received Pandora’s delivery is Lynn, who is my sister, who I love very much, and who opened the box, looked at the crown of a godsdamned Wraith Lord, closed the box, and returned to advising a local chef on mushroom preparation. I said something to the effect of pointing out that she had just received a priceless undead artifact as a political statement from a surviving Lich and how could she talk about mushrooms at a time like this. Lynn told me to get off of her dick.
Which, for the record, she does not have. I know. We took baths together as children.
The crown was subsequently burned in a bakery oven by my sister. I was not present nor consulted. The most significant political artifact of 1603 met its end between loaves of bread, and I was unable to see it happen. There were no known negative effects to the bakery oven as a result of this shortsighted destruction attempt.
Back to the point: Pandora is alive. Umbrex is dead. And the town of Maplewood, when presented with evidence of a major shift in the undead power structure, made toast.
We will keep you informed as the situation develops. In the meantime, if anyone needs me, I will be in my office with my yarn.