MAPLEWOOD — I have been saying for years that adventurers are not what they appear to be. I have been saying for years that something in this town is wrong. I have been saying for years that Morton is a reliable source and that salt does not lie.
I am now saying: Olmez is a Super Kazvak. Not a Kazvak. Not a Fatvak. A SUPER Kazvak.
The evidence is RIGHT THERE. The sparks are being sent to Olmez instead of the well. What do Kazvaks eat? That’s right, SPARKS. How many sparks has Olmez eaten? I don’t know. Nobody will tell me. Why won’t anyone tell me? BECAUSE THEY KNOW I’M RIGHT.
Speaking of eating, someone has been moving my table at the Jenny and I know it isn’t Olmez and I know it isn’t Morton and that means someone in this town is doing it on PURPOSE, and when I find out who it is I will be filing a report with the Constables, who I am sure will be very available and responsive.
ANYWAY, different kinds of spark-eating undead have been seen working together. This is PACK BEHAVIOR. They all wear THE SAME SIGIL. What animals run in packs and have AN ENTIRE LANGUAGE? That’s right, KAZVAKS. A Super Kazvak can command the undead, obviously. This makes complete sense if you just THINK about it, which I have. Multiple times.
I am not supposed to say this. I’ve been asked by several people NOT to say this. I’m saying it anyway: Obviously Olmez is from Gersh. The Gershan critics are disappearing, from where they breed kazvaks, at the same time a NEW SUPER KAZVAK is on the rise. I AM NOT saying that the things are connected. I’m just saying that I consulted Morton, the salt maker. They are very reliable and do not lie, just like salt. Morton’s assessment was that the fact this is happening was “concerning”.
What REALLY makes Olmez a Super Kazvak? A Kazvak gets fat when it has multiple sparks. Olmez has been eating sparks since AT LEAST April. Studies conducted by myself and Morton indicate that sixty-three percent of Maplewood incidents have a Kazvak at the root cause. This has not been peer reviewed because my peers are cowards. Do the math, sheeple!
Of course, if you want your spark protected from Kazvaks, you should buy Barnes Apothecary Organic Spark Shield Salve. Rub on your chest nightly and keep sparks where they belong, which is in YOUR body and NOT in a Super Kazvak. Twelve applications per jar. Does not interact with Resilience, probably.